| it's all the same old story, time and time again |
[27 Oct 2007|11:13am] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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ryan adams |
] |
the reason behind things...
it's all about making myself feel better about who i am.
the good, the bad, the ugly i do...
it's all just to make all the the bad and the ugly i feel, go away.
it's all a never ending cycle.
i've admitedly been hitting the bottle a little hard lately.
at first it was totally a social thing,
but i realized last night, it's starting to be a little more than that.
it's a control issue.
again.
just like everything else in my life.
it all comes down to what i can and can't control.
it's a way of making the things in my life i don't feel i can control,
temporarily disappear.
it's a slippery slope i'm on right now.
i need to be careful,
because if i've learned anything in the past two years,
it's that history always repeats itself.
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| homeless |
[29 Aug 2007|01:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 worried |
] |
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music |
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the killers |
] |
i'm trying really hard to remain optimistic.
i'm doing my best to stay hopeful.
i know i have to have faith....
but this is a discouraging situation.
i need to move out thursday and i don't have a place to stay.
i still can't believe jon kicked me out.
he prematurely evacuated me. haha. kinda...
i thought we were friends, but that dude is a fucking asshole.
i can't believe he's pulling this bullshit.
i'm nervous, scared, distraught, anxious, upset, and depressed.
as of friday, i have no home.
no place of my own.
i know i need to have faith that something better will turn up,
that i haven't been abandoned,
but it's hard when this sort of situation arises.
it's very real and very scary.
i have two or three places that i'm hoping will end up working out.
but i honestly don't know....
everything is just so up in the air.
i can't wait until this whole ordeal is over with.
on the positive side i really am learning who my truly good friends are and whom i can rely on. christi and daniel, come to mind in particular.
rhett was also pretty good with his advice.
i need good advice sometimes....
i'm just not always that great at figuring things out on my own and it helps to have someone who has your best interest in mind present what your options REALLY are to you.
i just hope this is all over and done with soon....
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| For Reasons Unknown |
[23 Aug 2007|01:37am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
] |
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music |
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the killers |
] |
I pack my case.
I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath,
and one big step,
I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.
I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny’s kind,
I’ve got the rest of my mind.
But my heart,
it don’t beat,
it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes,
they don’t see you no more.
And my lips,
they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.
For reasons unknown;
for reasons unknown.
There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny’s kind,
I’ve got the rest of my mind.
But my heart,
it don’t beat,
it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes,
they don’t see you no more.
And my lips,
they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you at all.
For reasons unknown;
for reasons unknown.
I said my heart,
it don’t beat,
it don’t beat the way it used to
and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.
For reasons unknown;
for reasons unknown;
for reasons unknown;
for reasons unknown.
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[06 Aug 2007|01:55am] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
i just realized my good friend martine who is a year younger than me graduated from art school with a degree in film this past spring.
so she belongs to the class of '07 despite being kicked out of high school (we would have graduated at the same time) and being an entire year younger than i am.
meanwhile i am going back to school to be a freshman for the third time because i can't seem to get my shit together...
yet i bitch and moan for days about how much i hate retail and just want "a real job"
that's not gunna happen unless i learn how to handle my shit.
okay, i can do this.
school, full steam ahead.
starting august 15th i will continue to kick ass at working full time while kicking ass at school simultaneously.
i will prove everyone that says i can't do it wrong.
i am going to fucking own.
i will go to class,
do well,
stop wasting time going out and dicking around online.
i will be at sf state in no time at all
and before long I WILL have my degree in journalism.
i will learn to prioritize and make sure my education always comes first.
i wll learn to tough it out through the hard times and plow ahead.
i will learn not to quit when i'm tired and things are getting hectic.
i will learn to not feel like, "i just need a break for my peace of mind"
other people have dealt with more and done better and done it faster.
I CAN AND WILL DO THIS.
Sf state by spring of '09.
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[06 Aug 2007|12:32am] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
] |
i'm entirely unmotivated to do anything because i am so displeased with myself.
i feel so entirely unsatisfied with the sensation of being in my own body.
there's just so much about myself that i find disatisfying that i just want to sit on the couch or sleep all day, that way i don't actually have to experience living as myself.
in other words,
i never feel like doing anything because i don't like to experience being me.
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[22 Jul 2007|11:24pm] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
] |
i swear i will not go crazy and lose my mind now that i am back in oakland.
i went to LA to avoid a potential disaster and i'm sure that it worked.
nervous breakdown averted.
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| los angeles i'm yours |
[20 Jul 2007|06:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 relaxed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the decemberists |
] |
i was 100% correct. coming to LA was exactly what i needed.
today in the shower i realized i had been smiling all morning for no apparent reason.
i haven't felt this happy and relaxed in ages.
i feel so good about myself and about how things in my life are going all of a sudden.
i just feel like everything is going to be okay.
all my stress and anxiety is gone.
well... most of them.
and i still have two more days before it's back to the bay.
i'm going back to oakland and my new job completely rejuvenated.
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[18 Jul 2007|06:51am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
why do i have to be at work at 7:45am on my last day there?
i can't remember the last time i had to wake up at 6am for ANYTHING.
soooooooooo gay.
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[17 Jul 2007|12:56am] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
after having an anxiety attack at work last week where i spent my entire lunch hour in the second floor restroom of bloomingdales sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventalating i pretty much begged jon to give me friday and saturday of this week off as well as demanded my mom fly me home. Oh and did i mention i lied to my new job about me not being able to start until monday so i could make this trip a reality? yeah, i know i made things difficult for a lot of people, but i really, really, need this.
starting monday i'm going to be working 40+ hours a week at a new job in addition to going back to school august 15th and dealing with moving to san francisco at the end of august as well.
on top of all this i've been dealing with a lot of insecurity and trust issues. the anxiety and tension has been building and i just feel like i'm under an enormous amount of pressure. i feel it physically and mentally.
i don't want to end up having a nervous breakdown.
the anxiety attack i had was more than enough. it was one of the worse i can remember having in a long time and took me a good two days to recover from. i use the word "recover" lightly since you can hardly call the state i'm in currently, "recovered".
i'm looking forward to going back home to alhambra for a couple days and just relaxing.... seeing my mom, sleeping in my old bed, going to the local parks, even eating at my favorite neighborhood spots. well, maybe that last one is pushing it. but everything else sounds amazing, especially since the weather down there is supposed to be perfect right now.
i also can't wait to spend a couple of days in long beach with my brother and kristen. i kind of want to check the city out and get a feel for their neighborhood in case i do decide to come around in a year or so. from what i hear about it, the LBC seems like my kind of community, but i don't want to rush into anything.
i'm sure this is just what i need. a couple of days away from THIS, a couple of days away from the reality that is my life. i just need a small break, a few days in a place i feel comfortable and happy to get my head in check and straighten things out for myself so i can start my new job rejuvenated and confident in my abilities.
i feel like shit but i'm optimistic about what this trip will do for me.
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| "i'm growing to be a bundle of anxiety..." |
[07 Jul 2007|12:54am] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
] |
if i could do it, if i could bring myself to just do it...
i'd say "fuck off" to san francisco and the entire bay area and move back down south to long beach.
if i could do it, i would.
i wish i could do it.
i'm so sick and tired of being up here. i'm tired of the daily struggle to get from one day to the next,
mentally, financially, physically, emotianally. i just can't take the pressure of it all.
nothing feels good anymore, it's just varying degrees of bad.
i manage only by distracting myself from my problems, but at the end of the day i lay in bed feeling completely and utterly alone and uncared for. i just don't matter. it's exhausting to feel this way on a daily basis and i'm just not sure how long i can continue pushing ahead while harboring these feelings of isolation.
nothing nothing nothing feels good anymore at all ever and i'm tired of it.
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[29 Jun 2007|03:41am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
Fischerspooner - Never Win
I don‘t need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
Don‘t you wanna help me
Tell me what to do
Help me find a way
If I was not me
I would hate me too
Just like you do
I don‘t need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
It‘s all made worse by a simple scheme
You‘re slipping away from me
Can‘t decide sometimes if it‘s worth the point
The point is the struggle, insecurity
Hopefully, you make no mistake
If you learn from what you‘ve got to take
Good or bad, it‘s all gonna add up in the end but,
You can never win.
I don‘t need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
Don‘t you wanna help me
Tell me what to do
Help me find a way
If I was not me
I would hate me too
Just like you do
I don‘t need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
And it‘s the desperation to hold on to
Something that can‘t be held on to
So, Don‘t waste your time filling up my words
Don‘t tell me why, assume the worst.
Hopefully, you make no mistake
If you learn from what you‘ve got to take
Good or bad, it‘s all gonna add up in the end but,
You can never win.
Don‘t thank me,
Don‘t tell me how,
Don‘t break me down,
Don‘t help me make it,
I don‘t need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
Don‘t you wanna help me
Tell me what to do
Help me find a way
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[24 Jun 2007|04:03pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
] |
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music |
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bright eyes |
] |
i had a really good time last night...
it's a rarity that i go out and truly enjoy myself with no hangups or bad morning after experiences, but this was one of those rare occasions where i simply had a really good time with some really awesome people that i'm really glad to say are my friends.
of course, i blacked out mid-way through the night, but it was all part of the fun.
let me start off by saying, after a 40, 3 shots of vodka, and TWO SHOTS OF ABSINTHE, i'm fucking surprised i was still walking, more so that i managed to survive into this morning... especially since i had eaten really lightly yesterday. i guess i did alright since i've been drinking about a liter of water a day. i think that may have had something to do with it.
anyway, i guess the question is, how did i drink so much in the first place?
well, the original plan was, birthday party for jeorge at rachel's house.
i got there around twelve and it seemed like everyone was leaving, but george and michelle were still there and that's what mattered.
as soon as i walk in the door, michelle hands me her forty and tells me, "finish this, i don't want it anymore." she had taken maybe two sips from it... anyway, i sit in the dark of rachel's basement, akwardly drinking my forty for a while, reminiscing on the days when i used to pound those things like my life depended on it, as though cheap beer was the vital life force that ran through my veins. i thought about how just one forty used to get me pretty drunk, and how later, two forties seemed like barely enough to get me buzzing. then i thought about how long it had been since i had even drank a forty, months at least, maybe a year?
but before i could start reflecting too deeply on how much my relationship with alcohol has changed, i made my way back up to stairs to make sure michelle and george were still there, because aside from them and rachel, i knew no one at the house, and needless to say, alcohol+akward situations=no good.
i found them in the kitchen, was introduced to their russian friend who proceeded to offer me a drink and seeing as how the forty hadn't really made it's mark on me, i decided a shot of vodka sounded nice. i'm not sure how it turned into two shots, but i'm pretty sure it had something to do with peer pressure.
so next thing i know i'm chillin in the kitchen with mish and jeorge, sippin the remains of my forty and i'm handed another shot. at first i refused, 'cus as far as i was concerned i was doing alright as far as buzzes go, but michelle disagreed. "STOP BEING A BABY! JUST DO IT!" and so i did it. i immediately regretted it too, and asked michelle why the shot tasted like licorice, i thought maybe it was jaggermeister even though it was a clear liquid. needless to say i was surprised as all hell to discover i had just consumed a shot of fucking absinthe. at the point i swore off drinking for the rest of the night... until like, ten seconds later when michelle made me do another shot of it.
so i'm still doing okay fifteen minutes later when we leave rachel's house to head over to the mission. i'm still doing okay when we get to the mission and park the car. then i get out of the car... and it hits. it hits me like a pimp hits his ho when he finds out she's been messin around behind his back. it hits HARD.
so i don't really remember anything after this point except for a few small bits where i can recall stumbling around, talking to anjelica whom i had declared my new BFF, telling george and michelle that i loved them, and, wait for it.... drumroll please...
running into sean.
he was wearing a white jacket and looked like he had gained some weight. i don't think he's seen me since i lost mine though and i'm glad i looked damn cute last night even though i was probably a total drunk idiot around him. whatevs. what matters is that i looked really cute last night when he saw me and i didn't go home with him. oh yeah, and everyone thought he was gay. not gay as in lame, gay as in homosexual.
speaking of gay as in homosexual, apparently i made out with one or two (?) gay guys last night. don't remember any of this, just what michelle told me...
i wish i did remember that though, sounds interesting.
maybe the memory will pop up somewhere later on down the line. who knows? sometimes you really do just have to give it some time.
oh, she also told me i puked a lot, like massively, and that i confused shoes for clothes, and that i was really social and talked a lot, which is really unlike me to do at parties, but i was really happy to hear that none the less and really wish i could remember it. also i was "the drunk girl" at the party, which i kind of hate, but she said there were a lot of "the drunk girl"s at the party, so i'm kind of okay about it. besides, i can't be too angry about making a fool of myself if i can't remember it.
i had a really good time.
i didn't wake up hung over and i didn't have work,
so right now,
all is going well in my universe.
it doesn't ever last long so i'm going to savor it while it lasts.
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[22 Jun 2007|01:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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pulp |
] |
i need a new job.
i think i might snap at mine.
i had hoped it'd be a long time before i felt this sense of dread over work again...
and i HATE job searching.
this is not fun.
nothing feels good anymore.
i promise to bitch more about how much life sucks later on...
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| gross, disgusting, vile, and foul |
[20 Jun 2007|07:38pm] |
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mood |
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 dirty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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pulp |
] |
what is wrong with me?
sake in the middle of the afternoon on the day i was suppsed to go sign up for the gym.
the worse part?
getting drunk in the middle of the day wasn't the worse part....
i am absolutely foul....
details need not be discussed.
i am definitely regressing as of late.
drinking in th middle of the day,
anger control slipping away from me,
self-esteem issues....
it's like i'm god damn seventeen all over again.
and how sick am i of hearing people say,
"well it wasn't that long ago you know..." as an excuse.
I'M BETTER THAN THIS!!!
i went to anger managment for a long time to overcome this sort of shit,
and i work really hard to move past the drinking issues,
the insecurity in all fairness is something i expect to struggle with...
but i just can't deal with that on top of everything else.
i'm loathsome.
in unrelated matters,
target tonight, buying a scale.
dinner with friends,
i expect it to be disappointing in a way i'm not comfortable discussing in a public forum.
tomorrow is the start of my 2468 diet.
i've decided to go with it.
it helps to have guidelines.
i'm a sucker for being told what to do...
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| this is my life as of late |
[19 Jun 2007|01:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
i need to go to target and buy stuff.
my debit card got stolen, i won't get a new one for another two weeks.
i'm going shopping for cheap monday jeans on wednesday.
i want to start exercising but have no time to go to the gym.
i'm lonely a lot of the time.
work sucks, 'cus people are fucking trite and fucked up.
oh yeah, and for some reason, dieting makes me really horny and i am not getting NEARLY enough ass.
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| giving it my all |
[17 Jun 2007|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
i am trying my absolute hardest to not be depressed right now...
and it is a losing battle.
i don't know what's wrong...
how am i supposed to fix something if i don't understand what the problem is?
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| destroy everything you touch |
[15 Jun 2007|01:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ladytron |
] |
in light of everything that's happened in the past couple of days, i feel as though i could really use a trip back home to the good old ALH to get my mind off things, regroup, and feel a little less lonely.
i'm can't shake this feeling of isolation i feel up here.
i have friends most definitely up here, but even the people i'm closest to don't have the same understanding of who i am as my friends and family back home do.
i'm really just a wreck right now. i feel so helpless and discouraged. i feel a lot of things really...
i could make a list, but it'd go on for days and i just don't feel up to it right now.
the intricacies just offer better perspective and we all know i'm a sucker for detail... just not at the moment.
anyway, they can all pretty much be summed up to sad and angry.
i feel as though everything i reach for lately is beyond my grasp.
failure is just overwhelming me and i'm not sure how much longer i can persist before i feel compelled to give up altogether.
at the end of the day i have only myself for comfort and sometimes that just isn't enough.
even worse, as much as i feel a trip back home would help, i know it's an impossibility right now.
there's nothing more i'd like than to just spend some time in my hometown hood with people that i know love and understand me better than anyone else in the world.
but that just isn't feasible in the near future.
wait i was wrong before,
what's worse than not being able to take a trip back home now,
is that i may not be able to visit my brother and kristen (future sister pretty much) in long beach during july, after all. finances and work related matter just don't seem as though they'll allow it.
i may still try for early august because spending time with my brother and kristen is something i feel is necessary for personal reasons.
i know i'll benefit from the visit immensely before i start school again and have to deal with moving.
i know it's just something i need before i things change in a big way.
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| in other news |
[13 Jun 2007|02:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
i feel as though i should write an entry about all the awesome/cool/kick ass shit i've been doing lately with various people.
but i'm lazy and prefer to bitch about being tired, broke, and fat instead.
as a compromise, aside from the usual, in the past couple of weeks:
-went to the park, picnicked (uh sp?) with snowma
-bombed my ccsf math placement test (hello math880)
-mom visited, bought me lots of cool shit i needed
-almost have date set for trip to long beach
-found new jeans at levis store for $30
-been enjoying work a lot lately
-went to haight street fair with k-dawg
-hit on cute boys at work
-bought bootleg copy of 28 weeks later (yet to be watched)
oh and my mom brought up my sister's old (old in the sense that we've had it for a long time, but it's still new, never used, in the package to this day) NKOTB comforter!!! hells yes y'all! i am going to get soooo much ass with my new bedspread. it's gunna be like, out of control.
soooo stoked, you don't even know.
yeah, i'm not gunna end this on a negative note.
some things in life suck, but i have plenty to be happy about too if i stop bitching for a second and take a look around.
geez, that's some hippy ass bullshit right there.
but whatevs.
truth, you know?
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| story of my life |
[13 Jun 2007|02:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
sleep-
we should be meeting up in about an hour or so...
i mean, that seems to be our routine.
every day/every night.
shit tired, wide awake.
but it's all about consistency.
i don't like it,
but it's the way things have always been and the way things gotta be.
so i'll find myself a way to keep busy.
see you at three.
-terri
insomnia por vida
ps. fatigue is causing me to lose my mind
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| music geeking |
[08 Jun 2007|11:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
uffie |
] |
so the new justice album drops july 10th which is both good and shitty news...
i'm so fucking broke right now that i can pretty much only afford to get to and from work for the next week so i'd be pretty bummed if the new album was out already and i couldn't afford it since this is the release i'm most anticipating this summer, but once i have the money i'm going to seriously be shitting my pants while i wait for the drop date to roll around.
i told myself i wouldn't spend any money on new music this summer since i'm trying to put away cash for my move to the city in late august, but i MUST HAVE this album. there's a handful of others i'm stoked to have, but the new justice album pretty much has me wet.
also, i need to figure out a way to see the misshapes when they come to town. i'm sure it's going to sell out really quickly and cost the price of my soul, but it's nothing compared to how shitty i'll feel if i don't go.
yeah music... it's life. my life at least.
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